Friday, January 27, 2006

Supersize My Island Nation

JJV outdoes himself:

OK, so now the Prince of Wales is calling us Americans fat. He is warning the English not to follow us in the build up of adipose. He's going all "Mayor Bloomberg" with health warnings and nanny state natterings. Has he never seen a Tongan? They are huge! But you never hear anyone say "Oh, don't follow our Tongan brethren into enormity!" NO... Just the Americans. Well fine, if he thinks Kate Moss is a better representative of Britain then Benny Bloody Hill I join the "abdicate for Harry" crowd!

Here is the CIA's take on Tonga. It says it is the only monarchy in the Pacific. I presume the island of Japan has been moved to another ocean. I also presume the Tongans are likely about to get nukes given the CIA's track record.

But here is the World Health Organization on the denizens of the Friendly Isles. Friendly's Isles is more like it. Nine out of ten of the fellows are overweight! This stuff is fattening! We Americans are bulimic supermodels in comparison. We feed solely on lettuce and Diet Coke as far as the Tongans are concerned.

By the way, they are also very formidable soldiers having enlisted in all the British wars since WW I including Iraq.

So its not like Prince Charles doesn't know about them.

In fact, I hereby inaugurate a new saying: "Fat as a Tongan." Which I will use whenever anyone disses Americans' fine robust shape and there are no giant Tongan Marines around. Because although Christian now, they are "traditionally a war like people who look down on pacifists" and plotted to kill Captain Cook. Unawares, he dubbed their land "the Friendly Islands."

The islands of Hawaii were even friendlier, and they got him instead of their Polynesian brethren. All of whom were fat.

Update 2/4/06 - Tonga link corrected.


Dave S. said...

JJV was on such a roll that I hated to spoil his fun until attribution issues arose toward the end. However, the CIA's World Factbook entry for Japan does in fact note its status as a constitutional monarchy. This reflects the long-standing feud between experts on the two countries which was formerly thought to be limited to the Department of Agriculture but whose poison, we now see, has seeped into the intelligence community.

Dave S. said...

Forgot to mention that Laura and I thought this was your best post thus far. If I can teach you a bit of basic HTML (cue Pygmalion) I could be persuaded to set you up as a direct contributor.