Thursday, April 27, 2006

Just Wondering

Normally I'm not one to jump on a meme bandwagon, but this post caught my fancy.

Herewith the Seven Wonders of Our Condo, not in any particular order. See the Historical Overview for an overview of the history. (What were you expecting?)

1) The Second-and-a-Half Floor (MC). While some rooms of the condo feature 13-foot ceilings (G), space over the kitchen area was turned into a loft whose usefulness is limited by its height of 4.5 feet. The room was given its title in homage to Being John Malkovich.

2) The Great Armoire. This monolithic seven-foot structure currently holds books but is massive enough to be converted into a bedroom if necessary. Of our possessions, only our car is (slightly) heavier. Theories abound as to how it was placed in its current position: ramps, rollers, work gang under the oppressive thumb of Edward G. Robinsion, etc. Some have even suggested that friends of the inhabitants were suckered into the task sometime in the past.

3) The Inverted Closet Door (MC). The current inhabitants slowly came to realize that the front hall closet door, a louvered model dating to the late 1980s, was installed upside down, and not well installed at that. Not sadly, this Wonder no longer exists, having been carried off (with our enthusiastic permission) by the GCs.

4) Hanging Lantern of the Front Room (G). This green glass and bronze fixture, part of the spoils of our expedition to Turkey, is suspended from a mighty chain of slightly less exotic provenance (Home Depot) from the high ceiling of our front room. Its candle only occasionally drips wax onto our dining table.

5) Solar Transit of Ubatuba (G, GC) Although astronomers are still calculating the times and durations of this phenomenon, it has been immediately noted that our new granite kitchen countertops catch the late afternoon sunshine in spectacular fashion, courtesy of our large west-facing windows. We believe that eventually the inhabitants will greet this awe-inspiring sight in much the same manner as residents of Key West commemorate the sunset, though perhaps with fewer buskers and NO MIMES.

6) Comprehensive Acoustic Absorption (MC). In contrast to the whispering gallery in the nearby U.S. Capitol Building, in which sound can be heard across unusual distances, the MCs cunningly designed the floor plan and walls of the condo in such a way as to render sound transmission virtually impossible from one room to another, in spite of the relatively small size of the unit. An unfortunate exception to this is the occasional high-pitched tantrum produced by our daughter, which can be heard clearly throughout the condo and probably across the street.

7) The View of the Great Oak (G). Our front room windows provide a beautiful view of a mighty oak tree, the center of whose trunk is exactly aligned with the center of our windows. This has led to the theory that Druids may have been involved in the raising of the Great Armoire. At any rate, the tree is gorgeous in all seasons and weather and is perfectly healthy, which means that we are in constant dread that DC Public Works will show up with chainsaws and a chipper any day now.

Historical Overview:

Several of the Wonders predate the arrival of the current inhabitants and appear to have been the work of a nomadic people known to historians as the Moron Contractors (hereafter referred to as the MCs). Sadly, they left no written records, possibly as a result of mysterious currency transactions concerning said Wonders. The quality of the Wonders suggests that the MCs depended entirely upon oral communications and were highly mobile even for nomads. Wonders whose origins are not definitely known have been "credited" to the MCs and are noted as such.

Other, still more ancient, works are of dramatically higher quality and resisted even the best efforts of the MCs to screw them up. Their most visible work, a colossal letter G embedded in the floor of the building's lobby, is thought to stand for the ritual chant "God, did you see what those MCs did?!?" Wonders whose Wonderness is enabled by these works are marked accordingly.

Finally, one Wonder can be credited to a second group of nomads known as the Good Contractors (GCs), who managed to stop shaking their heads at the MCs' handiwork long enough to really improve the place.

Side note: Of the original Seven Wonders of the World that still have identifiable remains, I have seen exactly one: the Temple of Diana at Ephesus.


Jeri said...

Good job, Dave! The historical overview was very helpful. I think one of those MCs lived in our home (he did work in DC, so it could have been him). His plumbing work led to the Pipe Burst Flood of Ought-Six.

Rob S. said...

Great post, Dave! I agree -- the historical overview is a really nice touch.