Obama/Jesus 2008

In a surprise announcement earlier today, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama announced that his running mate for the 2008 Presidential Election will be Jesus Christ.

“I have vetted all of the potential candidates thoroughly, and after careful consideration have made the determination that our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, is the best possible candidate for vice-president of the United States,” said Obama. “Jesus brings impeccable credentials to the ticket, including a strong anti-war agenda, a compassionate policy towards the poor and down-trodden in society, and is a strong agent of positive change,” Obama continued. “I am proud to have Jesus on the ticket with me, and look forward to us bringing real change to Washington.”

"Faced with relentless criticism from both the liberal bloggers and the right wing over his potential vp choices, Obama went for the smart and safe choice," said MSNBC's Keith Olbermann. "That whole "son of God" cachet was simply too attractive for Obama to ignore, and really puts in play states like Virginia, North Carolina, and the rest of the Bible Belt."

Conservative commentators immediately assailed the choice. “Obama is simply pandering to the religious right,” snarled Bill O’Reilly. “Jesus has no meaningful foreign policy experience, and this underscores the weakness of the Democrats on national defense,” sniffed Sean Hannity. “John McCain was an expert on national defense while Jesus was still a baby in the manger.”

Rush Limbaugh went even further than O’Reilly and Hannity in criticizing Obama’s selection. “Neither Jesus nor Obama are true Americans. I mean, Jesus won’t even wear a flag pin on his robes. It wouldn’t surprise me if Jesus, born in Bethlehem, was some kind of Arab, Islamo-facist Manchurian candidate.”

The McCain campaign had no comment on Obama’s selection. However, well placed sources within the campaign indicate that in the wake of the announcement, the short list of Republican vice presidential nominees has been expanded to include Lucifer, Ba’al, Loki, and Dick Cheney.

Oh, Sure, As If We Didn't Know This Already

Scientists are theorizing that sarcasm is an "evolutionary survival tool."

I submit as counter-evidence the fact that my friends and I do not bestride the world like a colossus.