"You, sir, must resign - I mean retire"

Although they have not asked me directly, out of Jeterian modesty no doubt, I know that CRH and JJV wanted to see this posted. Here, therefore, is a mild corrective to some of the more, shall we say, excessive aspects of the Derek Jeter Farewell Pre-Ascension Tour:



H/t Deadspin, which also provided this heartwarming retrospective.

He's Still Keith Hernandez

Via Awful Announcing we have learned that July 5 is Seinfeld Night at the Mets' farm team in Brooklyn. Presumably the Keith Hernandez bobblehead (click through if you don't believe me) only bobbles back and to the left. Quoting the site in full, because excerpting would not do it justice, here's what they have in store:

• MCU Park will known as Vandelay Industries Park for one night only.
• Mailmen in uniform get to throw out a ceremonial first pitch ("Hello Newman!")
• Anyone who has a business card indicating that they are in fact a "Latex Salesman" will also receive a free ticket to the game.  If we call the number and it's some apartment on the Upper East Side, you won't qualify for the freebie. 
• Fans can visit the information table for an "airing of grievances."
• Closest to the pin / whale's blow hole competition ("Is that a Titleist?")
• The foul poles will be known as Festivus Poles.
• "Low-Talking" PA Announcer.
• Elaine Dancing Contest
• Everyone Runs the Bases Post-game...but anyone named Jerry gets a head start (Take that Duncan Meyer).
• Game of "Risk" on the Concourse
• Cereal eating contests
• Anyone named George Costanza will be allowed to join our radio broadcast as a color analyst for an inning
• Players in puffy shirts for batting practice.

This makes me want to re-grow my beard, buy a handmade vintage bike and head north!

The original piece in which the above was referenced is a great example of "I'm Keith Hernandez..." The woman actually looks a bit like Elaine Benes.



And, because "The Boyfriend" is still one of the greatest things I have ever seen on TV, I have to throw this is in as well:



OK, OK, fine, one more, if you insist:

Fox Sports: Sit the F*** Down, Shut the F*** Up, and Show the F***ing Game

So almost all of us have been lucky enough to attend a sporting event and get seated behind a couple of guys who Know Everything and share it loudly. As a bonus they may get up and obscure your view of the action from time to time, usually when Something Important is transpiring in the game.

Fox Sports is those guys. (You knew where I was going with this.)

It would have been cool to see history - a World Series game ending on a base runner caught off first base - and in fact, I did my part, in that I was slumped tensely* on the couch with the game on. However, actual baseball seems to be rather low on the priorities list for Fox's WS coverage; Buck and McCarver seem content to drone and blather (respectively) about various story lines while the cameras seem resentful at having to be pointed at the field.

Given all that, it really should have come as no surprise that Kolten Wong wasn't the only one caught off guard with two out in the bottom of the ninth, a man on first, and some guy at the plate. It's not like anything was getting decided on the field or anything.

The only positive takeaway from the whole sorry mess (in addition to the Sox evening the Series) was that it threw a harsh and wonderful spotlight on McCarver's moments-earlier incessant blather about the pointlessness of holding the runner at first. I swear I could hear McCarver being force-fed his words by a simultaneously delighted and enraged audience.

*It can be done.

Defibrillator Up!

I had this post in draft state for too long, as EMM has beaten me to the punch. Nevertheless, I thought I'd add a bit more about our newest Racing President.

Taft, as most of us know, began the presidential tradition of throwing out the first pitch of the baseball season. This is a fine tradition and JJV will not be surprised when I write that the only President not to do this at least once is Jimmy Carter.

It's all too easy to make weight-related jokes at the expense of the 300-pound Chief Executive and his possible performance as a Racing President. So here goes!

• He'll be the only racing president with a normal-sized head and enormous body. Or maybe the Nats should just get Roger Clemons to do it. Hey-o!
• I'll bet these guys would run faster if Taft showed up at Miller Park unannounced.

Hamilton possibly apocryphal trivia: In the basement of the Admissions Office, formerly Elihu Root's house, is (supposedly) a giant bathtub used (supposedly) by Taft.

Onward to Opening Day!

On to That Great Dugout in the Sky

This blog and its masthead full of baseball enthusiasts is remiss in not noting the passing of two legends last Saturday: Stan "The Man" Musial and Earl Weaver. I was surprised to learn that Weaver was only 82, as my limited recollection of him as a manager was as a little old feisty guy.

Well, maybe "feisty" understates it, as the following awesomely NSFW clip demonstrates:



Even here, though, there was method to his apparent madness. An early comment in this excellent Deadspin appreciation notes that Weaver's tirade distracted the umpire from punishing Eddie Murray for arguing a call.

RIP. 23 days until pitchers and catchers!

Not Much Else to Say at This Point

So you've managed your team to an 11-1 record over the last twelve games and you're now a game over .500 which God knows nobody expected. Your next move? Resign abruptly.

I leave the summary of the general reaction to Mr. Draper:



OK, that last one was probably Rizzo.

Riggleman seemed like a solid stand-up kind of guy who was doing a good job despite (to grant him his primary grievance) perhaps not the best long-term confidence-building by management. Nevertheless, to pull this kind of crap on this kind of team during this kind of run (people who ought to know better are making hushed references to the wild card, for Christ's sake) is bizarre without some underlying deeper explanation. LATE BREAKING THOUGHT: Is Twitter involved?

At any rate, in the absence of some deeper motivation an otherwise nice guy just bought himself a lifetime supply of angry boos from Nationals Park. Putz.

To the Barricades! (Remembering that you can't spell Barricade without Bar)

Today Massachusetts and Wisconsin (?) celebrate my second-favorite "local" holiday. I speak of course, of Patriots' Day. (My favorite such observance is noted, more or less, here.)

Friend and fellow blogger J contributes this patriotic gem, updated for today's sensibilities. Important as Paul Revere was to the cause of American freedom, it should be noted that he had a substantially better posthumous publicist.

Fittingly, the Sox were allowed to win today, and I would also like to take this moment for congratulating our own Washington Nationals on 1) their sweep of the Brewers and 2) inching above .500 for the first time since May of last year! "Enjoy the next month" is the takeaway from that, I suppose.

For Those of You Scoring at Home, I Have No Idea

An American Kestrel goes for a snack run during what appears to be a rain delay at a recent O's-Twins game.

Good thing Dave Winfield's retired.

Finish Each Sentence in Your Head with "Stay Classy, Philly"

A man has admitted to intentionally vomiting on other spectators, in this case an off-duty cop and his 11-year-old daughter, at a recent Phillies-Nationals game in the City of Brotherly HEY F*CK OFF.

Makes you long for the days when they restricted their antics to booing Santa.

Antigravity Slide

Can't say I've ever seen this before outside of a football game:



One of the commenters here asserts that the leap is illegal, but as Bryan is the one with baseball talent in the family I cannot say. Perhaps JWT can switch gears from hockey to weigh in on this.

Addition to the Blogroll Lineup

A college friend's son has a nice-looking blog whose only drawback is that it's all about the Mets. Nevertheless, check out Mets Rumors, to be found under "Dave's Faves" from this day forth.

Blog ball!

Purely Unintentional Chivalry in Left Field

From Awful Announcing comes this demonstration of athletic prowess, also a Corey Hart home run:



Luckily for the young lady the guy hadn't eaten one of those four-pound burgers.

Oh, and to answer my own question, it's not this Corey Hart:

Cheeseburger in Intensive Care

Why not enjoy the crack of the bat, the chatter of the outfield and the adjusting of the cup while downing an obscenely large burger? Why not indeed.

The article notes helpfully that the megaburger can be shared among friends with the judicious use of a pizza cutter.

Play ball and call 911.

Cleveland (on the) Rocks

Having just attended a fairly lopsided baseball game that featured its fair share of booing, especially after a disastrous 7-run third inning, I was put in mind of another low-performing team suffering poor attendance. What better way to boost attendance in a Rust Belt city at or near the nadir of its existence than Ten-Cent Beer Night? As it turns out, the correct answer is "Any other way but that."

Had Billy Martin not been managing one of the teams involved I suspect he would have flown in just for the event.

h/t to a commenter at the wonderfully-named Axis of Evel Knievel