Thursday, May 01, 2008

It's About Trains, and That's About It

Not being one to pass up a chance to whack Ayn Rand with minimal effort, I present to you a condensed version of Atlas Shrugged.

Slightly more minimal effort on my part produced this highly condensed version of The Fountainhead:

Howard Roark: That is a skyscraper and I'm happy, albeit selfishly, to see you.
Dominique Francon: Take me!

There's a socialist in there too, but other than that I think that covers it.

Update: The estimable proprietresses of J-TWO-O and Betty Cracker have piled on in comments. Here, now, Ms. Cracker announces the discovery of the unreleased final scene from an apparently unfinished stage version of Anthem:

Equality 7-2000: By the Will of My Brothers, we must take a leak in The Houses of Pee Pee!

Liberty 4-9000: Oh curse the Uncharted Forest! There are no Houses of Pee Pee here, and we have not rediscovered the Art of Plumbing. Unconquered One, do not succumb to the tyranny of our bladders!

Equality 7-2000: Golden One, it just occurred to us -- how came we to use the word "One" without a priori knowledge of the Sacred Concept of Individuality, as represented by the word "One"?


[The actors soil themselves. The End.]

That almost makes me want to read the rest. But not quite. As Leonard Pinth-Garnell might say, "That wasn't very good, now, was it." (Cue frantic clinky piano music.)

In the meantime I remembered that I had gone after Ms. Rand in the last paragraph of this post, after going after just about everything else in the preceding paragraphs. As so often happens, hilarity ensues in the comments.

Finally, I was alarmed by J's possible trip to the library to check out the targets of our satire. As a friend I beg you to reconsider. Once you start you will want to read to the end - it is the Chinese finger puzzle of "it can't be this bad all the way through" - and when you are done you will bitterly regret the time wasted.

5 comments:

J. said...

Brilliant. I think you may have a new career, Dave.

Betty Cracker said...

Ooooh, I love a good Rand bashing! Here's the unreleased final scene from the stage version of "Anthem:"

Equality 7-2000: By the Will of My Brothers, we must take a leak in The Houses of Pee Pee!

Liberty 4-9000: Oh curse the Uncharted Forest! There are no Houses of Pee Pee here, and we have not rediscovered the Art of Plumbing. Unconquered One, do not succumb to the tyranny of our bladders!

Equality 7-2000: Golden One, it just occurred to us -- how came we to use the word "One" without a priori knowledge of the Sacred Concept of Individuality, as represented by the word "One"?


[The actors soil themselves. The End.]

Dave S. said...

Wow, that makes me almost want to read the book. But not quite.

For more Rand-bashing, see the last paragraph of this post.

Betty Cracker said...

Oh trust me, it's not worth it, even though it is by far the shortest of her interminable screeds. Loved the prior Rand bashing, especially the following comment in which you noted that a girl who unloads a Rand doorstop is indeed sensible. How true.

J. said...

Thank you, Dave, for pointing us to "Are you there, God? It's me George W." A truly hysterical (in a good way) post, especially the comments. Somehow, I managed to get through college and graduate school without actually reading Ayn Rand, or trying to seduce any MIT boys with it, though I'm pretty sure I purchased or borrowed copies of "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged," intending to read them. (When I was much, much younger, pre-college, I think I thought "Atlas Shrugged" was the name of that sculpture outside of Rockefeller Center, the one of Atlas holding up the Earth.) Now I may have to get one or both books out of the library, if only to further appreciate your humor.